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Seems like I could potentially get around my issue by taking the device out of this “router mode” setting I found and connecting my Pi to it via Ethernet cable and have the Pi be the router for my network.
EDIT: Actually, scratch that. I don’t think a Pi would be powerful enough to act as a router. Well, off to by a modem (not a combo) it is!
Find a static site generator you can tolerate and style things the way you want, have the static files be generated, pick your favorite way to host and server up those static files.
It’s not self hosted, but you might like 750words as well.